Ernie Keebler — the most well-known cookie-making elf of the famous Keebler Elves — is taking over my Twitter timeline with weirdly sexual tweets written in Spanish and he needs to chill.
If you're a fan of Kellogg's snacks, you probably recognize Ernest J. Keebler as the cute little elf lurking on boxes of buttery Club crackers, chocolatey E.L. Fudge cookies, and more kid-friendly goodies. If not, there's a good chance he just resembles a less destructive, cartoon version of Jeff Sessions. But either way, I think we can all agree the grey-haired, modestly dressed elf looks pretty innocent, right?
That's what I thought at least, until the tree-dwelling baker's Twitter account started inundating my timeline with promoted posts.
One day, after realizing my timeline had been inexplicably flooded by promoted Ernie Keebler tweets in Spanish, I decided to investigate. A quick search showed me I was far from the only person who had been targeted by the ads, but after typing in in the @KeeblerElves handle I stumbled upon a few truly disturbing revelations.
I need to talk to someone about the fact that Keebler ads (only in Spanish) have been appearing on my Twitter feed for like three years and I DO NOT KNOW WHY. pic.twitter.com/cIqGfQOYiS
— Olivia Muenter (@oliviamuenter) March 19, 2018
because of algorithmic mysteries beyond my comprehension, the promoted tweets I see most are spanish-language ads for Keebler cookies pic.twitter.com/qBs00Q8gIy
— John Miguel McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) June 3, 2018
Instead of finding answers to the mysterious promoted tweets question, I discovered the Keebler account's dark past, including a timeline riddled with suggestive GIFs of Ernie inhaling fudge scents, sexually churning chocolate, and more.
Meanwhile, the replies to each snack-related tweet are flooded with Twitter users all asking the same perplexing question: "What is the sexuality of the elves?"
What. The. Fresh. Fuck.
Ernie 'NSFW' Keebler
For those of you who have yet to lose your Keebler innocence, let's take a look at the account, shall we?
First, we have Ernie orgasmically savoring the aroma of his fudge. I mean, can you seriously look at this GIF and tell me you're not the least bit confused?
And this other tweet, in which the elf claims he makes the perfect Keebler cookie fudge by stirring it for 24 hours.
First of all Ernie, that's NUTS and I'm not buying that you stir this fudge for 24 hours straight! And secondly, I get that the window perfectly framing the moon, nightcap, and snoring signals he's stirring the fudge in his sleep, but it looks like he's having a fudge-induced wet dream. I'm uncomfortable!
When Ernie's not starring in questionable GIFs, he's calling cookies his bae, making Tinder jokes, and tweeting stuff like: "Does this make us splash brothers?" — which many people unfortunately interpreted as a play on sexual terms like "eskimo brothers." The term was more likely a reference to to Golden State Warriors duo, Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson.
I want to believe the elf is good, but his social media presence is really making me second guess everything.
Over the past two years the account has truly gone off the rails, and other people have definitely noticed Ernie seems to be, uh, a little horny after having spent who knows how long living in the Hollow Tree making cookies with magic ovens.
Blocked the Keebler Elf account because their tweets are starting to horrify me.
— SHSL Pullahoko (@pullahoko) April 30, 2018
If you need more proof that the fictional elf's Twitter account is not exactly G-rated, here's a peek at the replies to essentially each and every tweet.
Image: screengrab via keeblerelves/twitter
Turns out, these comments are in no way new. Five months after Ernie first tweeted in 2016, BuzzFeed wrote an article titled "Please Pity The Poor Soul Running The Keebler Twitter Account."
The article highlights the sexuality of the elves was a popular question back then too, which proves the replies to Ernie's tweets have been this cursed since day one. Very bored shitposters have committed to upholding the bit to this day. *sigh/eyeroll combo*
light a candle and drip the wax all over me daddy
— bear cam enthusiast (@Munq) July 22, 2016
Fully fudge my hollow tree, papa
— Chris *insert lastname here* (@GiraffeCarafe) June 13, 2018
Months after the account was created, Los Angeles Magazine called the Keebler Elves "the last thing pure and good on the internet." But after the wild sex joke and politics-filled journey I just went on I'm sorry to say that's simply no longer true.
Maybe if Twitter users didn't troll the formerly pure cookie-making elf so relentlessly this account wouldn't have made its borderline NSFW transformation. But sadly, like most things, it seems the internet has taken Ernie Keebler's Twitter account over to the dark side.
RIP to our innocence, but hey, at least the cookies are still good.
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